Thoughts, confusion, and general "huhs?"

I'm unofficially a college grad. Meaning I finished my course work in December (yay!) and am glad to be out for school for now. I will achieve "official" status when I walk across the stage (or at Meredith College- the amphitheater) and get that diploma. I'm so excited that I finally have a college degree! It makes me feel so accomplished- especially since it's in Mathematics. I must be smart or something. Or has a certain "MP" says, a nerd. But that just means I'm awesome!!!!! :)
So I'm working on getting my life going. I am done with retail thankfully and I have a really neat job that is entry-level equivalent. It's fine, though. I'll take it. I've been thinking about more education for some computer certifications so I'm not doing entry-level stuff forever. I've kinda-sorta started dating again. I'm not sure where that is going but I would like for it to go somewhere for sure. I'm a bit cautious, but there is something REALLY special about him. I only wish he could see it and not be so terrified of any kind of commitment, but I understand his wounds are much more fresh than mine. Still sucks, though. I'm not looking to pin him down at this moment (women who do that annoy me greatly!!!) but I'm not going to wait around forever. Heck- I am giving it another couple of months and then I unfortunately will have to move on. That will hurt but I am trying to prepare myself for it.
As you can see, darling reader, I'm all over the place. Writing this really helps me vent. Especially since the person I can go to is not really talking to me right now. I'm not sure why. More later.

NOW

Graduation looms. It's either in December (next month!) or May (.... months). I've come so far, yet have a ways to go. What can I do afterwards? Find a job? Get my engineering degree? PANIC?! There are so many options. I'd actually like to join the Peace Corps or teach English in Asia or Europe. I don't want to stick around here. But I gotta take my little beagle with me!

Wow- I don't really feel like writing anything else today. I'm not sure why I did in the first place. Maybe just to get some stuff out?

More later for sure.

Stop the madness and self-loathing!

I think my blog post's title says it all.

I finally kicked myself in the ass and told myself to grow up.

For Pete's sakes- I am a (relatively) healthy person. I don't have cancer, MS, CF, burn marks all over me, etc. The worst health issues I've had are alopecia areata and bronchitis. And some dental problems (ugh- I agree with my darling cousin Wolfgang that dentists are Satan's spawn- no offense, Uncle Paul). So why was I whining about my weight-loss? Well, I'm human, aren't I? I am allowed to complain. But let's put it into perspective. I CAN LOSE THE WEIGHT. It's not like I am a quadriplegic or have colitis (Charis, you are a champ!). I've got to get my mind around it.

I've come to the conclusion that if I let go of the self-esteem issues and self-loathing, I can do just about anything I want to. I don't have a boyfriend, I'm not what you'd call "popular" (but i sure as heck wouldn't trade my friends for anything!), I don't even think some of my people in my various social circles particularly find me endearing at times. But I've gotta take care of me before I worry about all of those other trivial issues. So! I used my wonderful Austria trip (that I took last month- oh, I am looking forward to moving there, but that's a story for another time!!!!) as a goal. I kicked my ass into gear. I changed my diet (except for the occasional event which is important- heck, if you can't enjoy a pizza or Maggie Moo's ice creamn once in a while then what's the point of living?!?!?!0 and got my ass moving in the gym, outside, wherever. And it paid off!!!!! Isn't that fabulous (as Tom would say)?! I've lost weight, I can run 30 minutes WITHOUT STOPPING, and my weight lifting strength is getting back to where it was!!!!!! I am so HAPPY with myself! Not only have I accomplised the "shallow" goals of weight loss (looking awesome, clothes fitting nicely), but I have dramatically improved my health, mentally and physically. How awesome am I! I DO have a long way to go, but I am on the right track. Last time I weighed myself was the week before I went to Vegas in April. I had lost 12 pounds. I've lost more then, but I won't post THAT until a)I've weighed myself again (my clothes fit better now so I'm just going by that) and b) I lose a significant amount more of my current shape (again, using the "clothes" scale). I will also post the number of pounds I started at (yeesh!) along with before (yikes!) and after (YAY!) pics.

I wish I could put this on my resume: "Able to set goals and acheive them, no matter the struggle."

I have two running goals for the end of the year (31 December 2010 if anyone cares what "year" time span I am referring to): 3 miles running non-stop, and a 12-minute mile. I THINK I can handle that!

Speaking of, the gym ain't gonna work itself out. So gotta run. (Literally. The treadmill is calling.) Then I get to sit by the pool for the rest of the night.

AHHHHHHHHH life is good.

I pretty much rock.

FAIL

I'm a failure.

There, I said it. It's out of the way.

I can hear it now, "Aw, Jen, no, you're not, why would you say such things?"

Well, because I made an important goal for myself and I didn't go ANYTHING to meet it.

I tried, I really did. Maybe I should be taking Yoda's advice to heart: "Do, or do not. There is no try." I just don't know why I can't follow through. It's frustrating and a bit embarrassing. I made public a goal and I did NOTHING to achieve it!

How am I supposed to get healthy if I don't take the necessary steps to do so? How am I going to be able to get this weight off if I don't actively do it?! How in the hell am I supposed to do an Ironman triathlon or even go rock climbing as a fat ass? Yes, that's what I am. And don't try to tell me I'm not. It won't help here. I can't wrap my head around this, and I am VERY ANGRY at myself! What is holding me back? I don't understand! I hate not being able to run fast or far. I hate not being able to walk up steps without my knees feeling pressure. I just hate what I've become, and "fat" is more than a physical sight- it's a state of mind. Anyone who is dealing with this knows what I mean. I don't want to lose weight to land a man or gain the approval of my peers- I need to do it for myself! And also to be able to do the things I really want to do! Should I even bother posting goals publicly? Or should I just retreat into a corner, sucking my thumb while curling up in a fetal position? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! Why am I my own worst enemy? What is it going to take?

Clearly, I'm approaching this all wrong. I really need to hold on that $500.

Any thoughts?

Am I doomed to be like this forever? Or will I get it through my head that weight-loss ISN'T going to kill me?!

Sigh....

It's time, and I can't put it off any longer.

So I've made a goal for myself. I need to get myself into shape. And quickly. Not in a hurried unhealthy way, but not take 5 years either. I owe my mom $500. She said if I lost a good amount of weight by the time we head back to Austria next summer, I don't have to pay her back. While I don't enjoy hearing my mother comment on my weight, I could really use the $500! I've got to get started NOW. It is going to be hard, but I've done it before and so I KNOW I can do it again. And this is weird, but it will work: The first part of this has to do with the time my friend Cerine will be in California/New Zealand/Australia -which is for 5 weeks. She leaves this Wednesday 28 October. She will be back 1 December. My plan is to follow a healthy eating plan (and get used to it so I can do it for life!) and get my exercise in at least 5 times a week. I am using Cerine's trip as a timeline because she is one of the most supportive people in my life. (She's also been one of my BFFs for 19 years- I should think she would be!) My two exceptions for the eating plan? Halloween and Thanksgiving. I'm human and let's face it- those are two holidays centered around food (yes, Halloween is a holiday full of junk!! :) ) . I still plan to work out those days- I always jog on Thanksgiving. It's a long-standing tradition! The second part is from 1 December to Christmas Eve. I want to prove to myself that I CAN eat healthfully during the Christmas season but occasionally treat myself (again- that whole human thing!).

I need all the support I can get. I'm trying to decide if I should keep a food and exercise diary on here. Maybe by using a public forum such as this will inspire me and keep my honest.

Hell- today I was watching -on the NBC sports channel- an 80 year old man finish the Hawaii Ironman triathlon. If HE can do that, then CERTAINLY I CAN lose this weight and become healthy! Why do I resist so much? Do I think my favorite pizzas and deserts will be gone forever if I don't eat them so much? Or is it that I don't want guys hitting on me because I'm tired of relationships and being fat is a great way to keep them away? (Well, that IS working, but I am very unhealthy as a result! Besides- I can be cold and distant if I need be- I'm great at that!) Anyhoo- that's a topic for another time.

Think about me, send me good thoughts and tons of encouragement, and I'll post a picture on December 1.

I'll even ask Cerine to take it.

School at 33

So as most of you may know, I am a college student. I am also 33 years old. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a college student at this age, it doesn't always make me feel good about it. After I graduated high school in 1994, I went to college for 2 years (to the place where I am now!) but I hated it. I am glad I am back and taking it seriously this time (and I of course can NOT ever adequately express how grateful I am to my Dad for footing the bill- he takes education very seriously as well do I) and I am a better student this go around. Do I wish I had done this when I was 18? For sure, but I just wasn't ready. I go to school with really nice people, yet being my age makes me feel a bit out of place. I am able to make friends, and luckily I don't look 33. (Which will help me many, many years down the road!) I just wish I could share my experiences with my fellow students without sounding like a know-it-all or a mother figure. I've never been great at fitting in anywhere or not feeling awkward so that affects me, too. What my present college experience HAS taught me is that if there is something you want to do, DO IT. And DO IT NOW. We only get this one shot and MUST take advantage of what we are able to do! I have no desire for marriage and don't even ask me about children. Not for me, thanks! My point is that are not too old make a great life for ourselves! Grasp the opportunities! Seize the day! Blah blah blah You catch my drift, right? Get out, and enjoy yourself.

Why the name?

So I've been told when I like something, I REALLY like said thing. I'm combining two of my obsessions, Star Wars and Harry Potter into my blog title and URL, because I REALLY like the two of them. I'm hoping to use this blog as a record of my triumphs, my losses, and random, everyday musings. And to improve my writing by expressing my "quirkiness". Feel free to comment, as I welcome opinions and ideas. I'm sick of politics, although from time to time I will express my views on here because, well, I can, and as an American (USA! USA! USA!), I should. I need to find a really cool tagline, but to borrow from George Lucas, "May the Force be with you."

BTW- my grammar sucks. Get used to it. I'm not here to be graded- it's not English class. Besides- I'm a math major.