NOW

Graduation looms. It's either in December (next month!) or May (.... months). I've come so far, yet have a ways to go. What can I do afterwards? Find a job? Get my engineering degree? PANIC?! There are so many options. I'd actually like to join the Peace Corps or teach English in Asia or Europe. I don't want to stick around here. But I gotta take my little beagle with me!

Wow- I don't really feel like writing anything else today. I'm not sure why I did in the first place. Maybe just to get some stuff out?

More later for sure.

Stop the madness and self-loathing!

I think my blog post's title says it all.

I finally kicked myself in the ass and told myself to grow up.

For Pete's sakes- I am a (relatively) healthy person. I don't have cancer, MS, CF, burn marks all over me, etc. The worst health issues I've had are alopecia areata and bronchitis. And some dental problems (ugh- I agree with my darling cousin Wolfgang that dentists are Satan's spawn- no offense, Uncle Paul). So why was I whining about my weight-loss? Well, I'm human, aren't I? I am allowed to complain. But let's put it into perspective. I CAN LOSE THE WEIGHT. It's not like I am a quadriplegic or have colitis (Charis, you are a champ!). I've got to get my mind around it.

I've come to the conclusion that if I let go of the self-esteem issues and self-loathing, I can do just about anything I want to. I don't have a boyfriend, I'm not what you'd call "popular" (but i sure as heck wouldn't trade my friends for anything!), I don't even think some of my people in my various social circles particularly find me endearing at times. But I've gotta take care of me before I worry about all of those other trivial issues. So! I used my wonderful Austria trip (that I took last month- oh, I am looking forward to moving there, but that's a story for another time!!!!) as a goal. I kicked my ass into gear. I changed my diet (except for the occasional event which is important- heck, if you can't enjoy a pizza or Maggie Moo's ice creamn once in a while then what's the point of living?!?!?!0 and got my ass moving in the gym, outside, wherever. And it paid off!!!!! Isn't that fabulous (as Tom would say)?! I've lost weight, I can run 30 minutes WITHOUT STOPPING, and my weight lifting strength is getting back to where it was!!!!!! I am so HAPPY with myself! Not only have I accomplised the "shallow" goals of weight loss (looking awesome, clothes fitting nicely), but I have dramatically improved my health, mentally and physically. How awesome am I! I DO have a long way to go, but I am on the right track. Last time I weighed myself was the week before I went to Vegas in April. I had lost 12 pounds. I've lost more then, but I won't post THAT until a)I've weighed myself again (my clothes fit better now so I'm just going by that) and b) I lose a significant amount more of my current shape (again, using the "clothes" scale). I will also post the number of pounds I started at (yeesh!) along with before (yikes!) and after (YAY!) pics.

I wish I could put this on my resume: "Able to set goals and acheive them, no matter the struggle."

I have two running goals for the end of the year (31 December 2010 if anyone cares what "year" time span I am referring to): 3 miles running non-stop, and a 12-minute mile. I THINK I can handle that!

Speaking of, the gym ain't gonna work itself out. So gotta run. (Literally. The treadmill is calling.) Then I get to sit by the pool for the rest of the night.

AHHHHHHHHH life is good.

I pretty much rock.

FAIL

I'm a failure.

There, I said it. It's out of the way.

I can hear it now, "Aw, Jen, no, you're not, why would you say such things?"

Well, because I made an important goal for myself and I didn't go ANYTHING to meet it.

I tried, I really did. Maybe I should be taking Yoda's advice to heart: "Do, or do not. There is no try." I just don't know why I can't follow through. It's frustrating and a bit embarrassing. I made public a goal and I did NOTHING to achieve it!

How am I supposed to get healthy if I don't take the necessary steps to do so? How am I going to be able to get this weight off if I don't actively do it?! How in the hell am I supposed to do an Ironman triathlon or even go rock climbing as a fat ass? Yes, that's what I am. And don't try to tell me I'm not. It won't help here. I can't wrap my head around this, and I am VERY ANGRY at myself! What is holding me back? I don't understand! I hate not being able to run fast or far. I hate not being able to walk up steps without my knees feeling pressure. I just hate what I've become, and "fat" is more than a physical sight- it's a state of mind. Anyone who is dealing with this knows what I mean. I don't want to lose weight to land a man or gain the approval of my peers- I need to do it for myself! And also to be able to do the things I really want to do! Should I even bother posting goals publicly? Or should I just retreat into a corner, sucking my thumb while curling up in a fetal position? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! Why am I my own worst enemy? What is it going to take?

Clearly, I'm approaching this all wrong. I really need to hold on that $500.

Any thoughts?

Am I doomed to be like this forever? Or will I get it through my head that weight-loss ISN'T going to kill me?!

Sigh....